Letters to Malfoy
by l-LadyKaryn-ll-LadyKrysta-l
Summary: A letter exchange program is going on at Hogwarts. But when Harry has to write letters to the owl of one Mister Sexy Slytherin Draco Malfoy, what will they include? Not Slash!


Title: Letters to Malfoy

Genre: Humor/ Parody/ Slight Romance

Category: Short Story

Summary: A letter exchange program is going on at Hogwarts. But when Harry has to write letters to the owl of one Mister Sexy Slytherin Draco Malfoy, what will they include? Not Slash!

Krysta's Notes: The plot is serious, the letters are what makes this a parody. Rated for profanity, cause I have a dirty mouth.

Faith's Notes: I have a dirtier mouth! I helped write Harry's letter!

* * *

Chapter I: First Letters

Harry was pissed. Dumbledore had to be the craziest dumbest person when it came to house unity ideas, but the best at saving your skin from Lord Dress in Drag Voldy. He could've just paired up all the Gryffindors and Slytherins, and forced them to shag until everybody's pregnant or he'd feed to the Dementors of Azkaban. Who wouldn't start shagging in that second?

No, he had to go and think up some gay ass little scheme where they had to write to each other. And he just had to pair him up with the stupid ferret himself, spawn of a evil bitch.

Taking out a piece of parchment and quill, Harry began to write.

* * *

Dear Dickhead, (As I'll be addressing you from now on...)

I obviously have to write to you, so, lemme tell you something, you stupid ferret with a dildo jammed in your asscrack so hard it'll blow your momma up, you will not, under any of your stupidly gay ass retarded circumstances, call me Scarhead. Call me, Asshole, I insist. Well, bitch face with an ass hat on top, I can't write to you this long, cause I have a bon---I have a bon-bon to eat, I'll see you when you get your gay ass out of the stupid Slytherin fuckhouses and tell your daddy that fucking your dumb gay ass is wrong.

In no emotions abstractly related to love(or anything friendly),

Harry Potter (Asshole)

* * *

Harry re-read the letter to Givehead, who hooted at Harry and shitted on his head before snatching the letter into it's talons and taking off, but not before running into every wall in the room, thinking it was a window.

"Damn bird!" He opened the window, but Givehead seemed to not want to go out. He shoved Givehead out the window.

Harry sat and tapping his hands, and remembered about that 'bon-bon' he had to eat. He rushed into the bathroom, because _obviously_ Harry had a refridgerator in the bathroom, and groaning emitted through the oak wood. And all of the horny little Gryffindor boys grouped up at the door and started to have an orgy at the sound of the-Boy-Who-Relieved-Himself.

After Harry had finished 'eating his bon-bons' he saw Givehead on the sill, cooing as she inserted the letter up her ass.

"Stop!Bad! No stickin the hate mail up your ass, that's for the _fan _mail!" He said, taking the letter.

* * *

Dear Scarhead Assmunch Shit Brain, (I had to get original.)

As much as I hate this, I'll have to get used to writing to a log with hormones the size of the United Kingdom and the balls the size of a pebble. So, I'm not very happy now, Potter. You interrupted a moment with your dumb as fuck ruddy owl. So, I'm keeping this short. I hate you, Potter. You. Suck. Ass.

Very Sincere,

The Sexiest Snarkiest Best In Bed Slytherin Hotness Ever To Meet Your Pitiful Gaze, You StupidBinted Fuck Head,

Actually, I've decided not to grace you with my name.

* * *

Harry became red in anger. After reading Draco's long description of himself and no name, he tossed the letter down. Walking down to the Gryffindor Common Room, he found Ron.

"Who'd you get, Ron?" He asked his friend, who was looking over a letter.

"Pansy Parkinson." Ron said, handing him his letter.

* * *

Dear Parkinson,

I don't know what to write to you, because I don't even like you remotely, or anything close to it, so I wish you'd just die so I can write letters to an invisble person and not you-who couldn't pass off as invisble because you're not skinny enough to fit under a camoflage cloak, so, don't even try to be friends with me because I already made my point. I. Don't. Like. You. So, I wasted my ink on you, so I'm going to eat Dinner.

Ron Weasley.

* * *

"Better than mine, Ron. I already sent it off." Harry said, sitting on the couch. Ron used his dumb owl PidgeonPiss, and sent off his letter.

They waited a few minutes before Hermione came down the stairs.

"Looks like you got a letter, Hermione." Ron said, snatching the letter from her hands.

* * *

Granger,

Unlike the very rude letter exchange between my good friend Draco and your good friend Potter, I'm actually going to be as polite as possible. Please excuse any frequent bad writings, because Draco here is trying to sabotage my letter, to get back at Potter. Damnit!((There was a long line to the side of the parchment)) Draco again. Well, it should be very intersting to talk to you, but I must be off. ((In another handwriting)) You suck, ya dirty bitch. Sorry 'bout that, Draco got a little offhand. Talk to you later then.

Blaise Zabini.

* * *

"Damn, Hermione! You actually got a non-cruel Slytherin!"" Ron exclaimed, re-reading the letter.

"Wanna trade? I have Malfoy." Harry said. Hermione winced.

"I think that's a no." Hermione began scrawled words, or so it looked, on another piece of parchment, and sent it off with her owl, Nikola.

"Ron, looks like your response is here." Harry noticed as PidgeonPiss ran into the vase, peeing on the table.

"Goddamnit! Stop pissing, you stupid fuck!"

Ron grabbed the letter and unraveled it.

* * *

Weasley,

You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck. You are a dumb fuck.

Love,  
Pansy :)

* * *

He tossed it into the fire, and sat there on the couch, sulking.

"That was a beautiful letter, Ron." Hermione said happily, pciking up the ashes.

"I should write you some like that." Ron tossed a pillow at her.

"You got a nice one, Hermione. So you don't have to complain." Harry said, sitting next to Ron. At the same time, Harry said it whinily, Ron said it grumpily, and Hermione said it dreamily.

"Slytherins."

* * *

Krysta: Sigh. Next chapter is Faith's and she's bouncing off the walls.

Faith: Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy! Yay! I get to type the second letters! Awesome-o! So, beware of very unsightly language in the next chapter! Warning!

Krysta&Faith: Bye:) :))


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